Author Monica Nelson

The Secret Behind Generosity of Spirit

Posted on November 28, 2022 by Monica

I love the holidays. It is a very special, warm, joyful time of year. It’s a time when the majority of people set their cares aside and become kinder, friendlier, and open-hearted. We enjoy embracing each other in love and acceptance. As we now move into that season, it is the best time to re-evaluate this mindset.

The mindset, known as generosity of spirit, by most definitions consists of two parts. Those are kindness and compassion. Generosity means that we freely give of ourselves using those two elements to make a difference in people’s lives.

Kindness

Image courtesy of JooJoo41 (Vicki Nunn) on Pixabay.

Kindness is action done with friendship, unselfishness, and consideration. True kindness comes from empathy into the minds and hearts of another person. Showing others true benevolence and graciousness.

Compassion

Compassion means recognizing and empathizing with someone who has experienced misfortune or suffering. When you see someone like that, compassion translates into a deep desire to do something to alleviate that suffering.

Love/Authenticity

Here is where the secret lies. There must first be kindness and compassion, but it must come from a place of authenticity – a genuine love for others. No one can “tell” you how to do this. It is a feeling that comes from within. An “honest-with-yourself” approach and identifiable decision to choose to love another person. Not just someone who has been kind or nice or loving toward you. But everyone that you come in contact with. This can be especially hard if you have been abused, manipulated, or scorned by another person. (Loving someone else does not mean allowing that person to take advantage of you. If you do, you are being unloving to yourself.)

Image courtesy of Jill Wellington on Pixabay.

When kindness and compassion come from this place of sincere desire to give of yourself, there is a kind of magic that takes place. The joy that results within is brighter and more elated than that of the receiver of your gift. An explosion of peace and happiness. The axiom of it “being better to give than to receive” is at the heart of this reaction. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, it is a universal truth.

It is a mystery that has been passed down as truth, and still remains elusive to people who have not yet discovered it. When you give of yourself without desire for anything in return, the magic happens and you’ve found that key to a joy you cannot accomplish in any other way.

The holidays are the perfect time of year to begin your quest for true generosity of spirit. When you find it, keep it going all year long. It won’t be hard to do when the obscurity of the premise hits you so conspicuously that you can no longer deny it.

Posted in Advice, Navigating Life, Philosophy | Tagged compassion, generosity of spirit, Holiday spirit, holidays, joy, kindness, open-hearted, personal growth, self-actualization | Leave a comment

Think Before You Indulge in the Self-Destructive Practice of Posting Selfies; 4 Mighty Reasons

Posted on November 14, 2022 by Monica

I am always amazed at the number of Facebook and Instagram pages that host the owners page full of selfies. Some of these are 75%-95%, even 100% self-photographed pictures of the account owner. It is estimated that worldwide 93 million selfies are taken every day.

But people tend to resent and be wary of people who post too many selfies. Even if you ignore the fact that most people abhor seeing those carefully coifed photos on your site, please don’t ignore the danger you are putting yourself in. The habit of taking selfies is destructive in many ways.

Here are four of the most potent reasons to break that selfie habit.

Self-imposed Mental Health Destroyer

It has long been thought that social media in general, including selfie-promoting activities, was a source of negative emotions in people. A recent study has now shown marked changes like lower self-esteem and higher anxiety associated with the practice. If may seem like fun in the moment, but you experience body dissatisfaction later.

Giving Potential Employers a Reason to Reject You

We know that many potential employers go to Facebook and Instagram accounts with the intent of judging the character of any potential employee. Employers look to these sites to provide insight they may not get from a face-to-face interview – a kind of candid view while the candidate is presenting their true nature. Selfies can be associated with self-indulgence and narcissism. These two traits don’t reflect well on the candidate. Employers are looking for employees who are focused on their business and get along well with others at the organization.

The Criminal Element Gets in on the Action

Whenever there is a popular trend in the population, criminals are looking for ways to exploit that trend for their own benefit. Photos posted to the Internet can easily be downloaded and reuploaded to illegal websites. With current photo-editing software, it is easy to fuse photos together with little or no visible evidence showing that the photo was changed in any way. These photos are then uploaded to child pornography, trafficking and prostitution sites. This happens on a daily basis.

It Could Be Your Final Act

People get so absorbed in getting the best shot that they do not pay attention to their safety. In fact, many people die every year from accidents that occur while taking a selfie. And the numbers continue to go higher. The United States is second in the list of most selfie deaths in the world. You may think it can’t happen to you. So did many of the people who found out the hard way that it was their final act.

Taking and posting selfies seems like harmless fun and an easy way to boost their image on social media, but it’s to your advantage to consider the risks before taking that next selfie.

Posted in Advice, Navigating Life | Tagged danger, Doing Right, personal growth, phone, selfies, trends | Leave a comment

How to Straddle the Thin Line Between Optimum Performance and Overreaching

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Monica

I like hanging plaques in my office that have words of wisdom on them. They remind me of what’s important in life and motivate me to pursue my personal mission. The other day, one of my newer plaques caught my eye. It was a particularly difficult day for focus. And I was chastising myself for not getting anything done. It said, “Let whatever you do today be enough.”

We live in demanding times. Life travels at the speed of your fastest piece of technology. If you’re like me, it can be exhausting trying to keep up. We demand a lot of ourselves and make unrealistic expectations. This can lead to a serious case of overreach. Overreach can turn quickly into burnout. Burnout is a serious health condition that can thwart everything you’ve worked for. Here are three steps you can take to minimize your exposure to excessive stress leading to burnout before it happens.

Image courtesy of Photosforyou on Pixabay.

Know Your Limits

We all have different limits of performance and capability. Superheroes are rare among the population. The rest of the human race has a limit – a boundary that is impassable. Only you can answer the question of where this limit is for you. Know where your ceiling is located. It’s unrealistic to demand more than you can give.

Knowing your limit is easy for some people. Internally they know when enough is enough. For others who have difficulty identifying their limit, here are some indicators:

Your brain seems to malfunction (fogginess, inability to concentrate, trouble with spatial awareness, memory problems, any changes in cognition, etc.);
Sleep, health, or weight changes;
Changes in your emotional health or state of mind.

Certain days may find you with limitless energy, motivation and production. Other days may be less accommodating. If your internal barometer is telling you that you’ve reached your day’s limit, pay attention. You have. Awareness is your best tool to predict overreach.

Promise Only What You Can Deliver

When you know your limits, respect them. Set your boundaries. And stick to them. Motivated people tend to believe that they can squeeze one or two more tasks into this or that timeslot. If you find that you are making mistakes, or not producing the quality you desire, step back and reassess your boundaries. Have you breached them?

Honor Yourself

Whatever you do today, it is enough. It is more than enough. If you feel you have entered the overreach zone, slack off some, or take the day off completely. Do something different. Indulge in a hobby or spend time with friends. Whatever rejuvenates you. If you try to push through overreach, you will just be sabotaging yourself. When we demand too much of ourselves, our output and health suffer. Honor yourself by allowing time for that rejuvenation.

Straddling the line between optimum performance and overreach is not that hard to do. Be aware of your indicators, appreciate your boundaries, and allow for rejuvenation (you deserve it). When you do, your straddle will become a smooth and confident walk.

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Getting Ahead, Navigating Life | Tagged brain health, burnout, concentration, emotional health, focus, goals, Overreach, personal growth, stress | Leave a comment

Delight Loved Ones with Heartfelt Messages

Posted on October 17, 2022 by Monica

Three seconds or less. That is the amount of time it takes for our emotions to process sensory input. And five times less than it takes for the cognitive part of our brain to process that same information. This is not surprising since most of our decisions/behaviors are formed from emotions over reason. Interesting as this is, what does it tell us about how we go about getting that message across to the people we want most to hear it.

Often, we rely upon the writers behind the sentiments showing up on greeting cards. This is a fabulous strategy if you can find exactly what you want to say. These writers are skilled at touching the very soul of an audience. If you are lucky enough to find a card that speaks exactly what your heart feels, the work is done for you. But what if you can’t find the right message?

Image courtesy of Marcelo Russo de Oliveira (Russotc0) on Pixabay.

Heartfelt messages that come directly from you are meaningful, but too few of us think we can do that, instead opting for a card message that is somewhat what we want to convey. Those messages don’t square with the recipient. There is something off about them. They may be beautifully written, but if they don’t resonate with the receiver, it is a wasted effort.

So, if you want to take on the task of touching someone emotionally with your own self-originated message, how do you start?

Observation

It starts months, even years, before. If your loved one is intimate in nature and openly shares their feelings with you, it will take less time. Find out who your cherished one is, what makes that person tick, what are the strengths that you appreciate the most about them. If you find it hard to recall when you sit down to write to them, keep notes on what you’ve found out (but don’t share those notes).

Connect with their Heart

When you sit down to draft your message, recall these personal elements and contemplate on how they make you feel. Experience the joy those traits bring to you. As you contemplate, make mental note of the emotions that pass between the two of you. Describe those emotions in the most passionate way. Use words that express deeply felt emotion. Here are some examples:

Image courtesy of Victoria_rt on Pixabay.

Ardent
Astonishing
Awe
Beguile
Blissful
Breath-taking
Delightful
Ecstatic
Elated
Enchant
Jubilant
Marvelous
Mesmerizing
Openhearted
Thrill
Radiant
Rapturous
Rave

Be sure to use the words to describe true feeling. Anything less will come across as inauthentic.

Put it on Paper

Now you have the words to use in your sentiment. All you have to do is to put them on paper. If this is still a daunting task, go to the nearest card store or online and read a few messages. This should give you an idea of the form you want to use. Don’t copy what you read, but get into the rhythm of how it’s done.

If you feel shaky because it’s all new to you and you’re not polished at it, don’t worry. Any personalized message, whether card-worthy or not, will strike a touching nerve in your recipient because it came from your heart.

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Navigating Life | Tagged Communication, Emotion, greeting card sentiment, heartfelt, kindness, love, words | Leave a comment

Grudges – the Tie that Binds You to Misery

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Monica

People hurt us. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, you are bound to run into someone somewhere who is going to wound you deeply.

Some years back, there was a group of people who caused great hurt to our family. We felt that they handled a disagreement in an insensitive and destructive way, causing pain in our family. Over the years, we have not had to come in contact with any of the three or four families involved. But recently, one of the women from this group took a position in which I had to interact with her every so often. I didn’t realize until that moment when I first had to connect with her just how hurt I still was over the incident. I soon realized that I was holding a grudge against her and everyone else associated with that incident so long ago.

Image courtesy of Gerd Altmann (Geralt) on Pixabay

A kind of darkness of soul took over me when I had to talk to her. I felt sick inside. It was a struggle to be civil and cordial to her. I had a hard time looking at her face. Although over a decade had passed since the incident, I hadn’t forgiven her yet. It became necessary to admit to myself that I was holding a grudge.

Grudges are destructive. They can be destructive to the target of your grudge. They are definitely destructive to you. It is never a good environment for your mindset to reside. It’s dark in its presence and clouds all the good in your life with negativity.

It is also destructive to your health. It can cause anxiety disorders, headaches and migraines, strokes and heart issues, high blood pressure, cognitive decline, and a compromised immune system to name a few.

Forgiveness is the solution. But for many of us, it is hard to forgive what we perceive is an injustice. We like to feel that we are in control. When there is an injustice done toward us, that feeling is challenged.

Forgiveness does more for the forgiver than the forgiven. If you are on a path of self-actualization, not being able to forgive is a barrier that will limit your growth.

Try reframing the situation. Look at it as a life event that is there to teach you something.

In his book, Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping sets out his steps to forgiveness. They are:

Tell your story – explain how you were victimized;
Feel the feelings – the feelings you have are valid – they need expression;
Collapse the story – take away interpretations, judgments and expectations – these only add to your suffering;
Reframe the story – be open to the possibility that the incident happened in order to enlighten something that requires your attention – that it is there to bring growth;
Integrate the new story – let your new story become part of you.

I use this method in my own life, but I found that I had not applied it to the incident I described above. When I did, the transformation was amazing. And I identified a trait within myself that I needed to work on.

You, too, can turn the misery of a grudge into a personal triumph, as well as eliminate the negativity and possible health concerns it brings with it. It’s up to you.

Posted in Advice, Navigating Life, Philosophy | Tagged Empathy, forgiveness, Grudges, injustice, love, personal growth, radical forgiveness, Revenge, self-actualization | Leave a comment

Just How Destructive is the Allure of Money and Power

Posted on September 19, 2022 by Monica

The ultimate source of happiness is not money and power, but warm-heartedness.

― Dalai Lama

Image courtesy of QuinceCreative on Pixabay.

In the Smithsonian Magazine article Why Power Corrupts, Christopher Shea highlights a study that identifies when power corrupts the individual, and when it does not. The answer lies in the moral code of that person. People in power can do greatness if they have a sense of self that encompasses fairness, compassion, generosity, and like values.

The findings were that power itself did not corrupt the individual. Power brings out and strengthens that person’s already existing values.

My father was fond of saying that the root of all evil was money (and power). I think he got it wrong. The difference I see is that it is the allure of money and power that can corrupt. In the right hands, it can lead to positive leadership and prosperity for all. In the wrong hands, it can destroy people’s lives, as witnessed by the many corrupt world leaders we’ve seen down through history. It all depends upon a person’s motivation.

The positive leader’s motivation is not in the allure of money and power for itself. An individual who keeps their generous and compassionate core values as their focus for their actions will affect life-changing results. Money and power may or may not result as a by-product of their pursuits.

The person whose motivation is strictly on how much power they can garner for themselves, or how much money they can make, will lead themselves (if not already there) into corruption. And eventually into ruin. This type of motivation is exploitative and robs that person of their true purpose in life.

Image courtesy of PublicDomainPictures on Pixabay.

It is very easy to give into the allure of money and power. We are naturally drawn to those things that make us feel good. And it is easy to desire the attention and indulgence money and power can provide. The irony of that belief is that the result is fleeting. And like an addiction, it must be fed greater and greater amounts to come up with the same boost to a person’s satisfaction.

True happiness comes from within. No external stimuli will produce any contentment close to the joys that come from living an authentic life. Integrity in following your conscience brings peace of mind and true happiness.

Avoid the allure of money and power. Its destructiveness can sabotage your happiness. Instead, pursue what is pure, good and in line with your true purpose. As the Dalai Lama points out, true happiness comes from a warm heart.

Posted in Opinion, Philosophy | Tagged corruption, Doing Right, goals, money, personal growth, power | Leave a comment

This is Your Greatest Personal Growth Ally

Posted on September 5, 2022 by Monica

When I was very young, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I entered a very small, specialized fashion college in hopes of fulfilling that dream. That’s where I met “Jenna.” Though we were never close friends, her effect on me was impactful and lifelong.

I had never met anyone like Jenna before. She was the most overtly creative person I had ever met to that time in my life. She didn’t wear the latest fashions, nor did she dress conservatively. She shopped (and made no pretense about shopping) at thrift stores for her couture. Her outfits were wildly unique. She made use of items other than clothing for her wardrobe. A Lady Gaga of the 70’s.

What stood out more than her attire was her confidence. For the most part, the other students in the school considered Jenna eccentric and “weird.” There was an underlying disdain for her that was undeserved. She was always nice and very supportive to me. But she held herself in quiet poise and elegance which unnerved many of the people I considered friends.

It was that composure and sophistication that kept her in my mind for years following. Jenna didn’t let the negative energy of so many of the people that surrounded her make her change in any way. She boldly went into life being herself. Being true to who she was. And not afraid to let her personality and individuality show. She continued to be confident in herself.

She became somewhat of a silent mentor to me. At the time I was at this school, I was mousey and timid. I had little confidence. My belief at the time was that I had to aspire to be the best “everyone else” I could. Be like everyone, but better, so they would accept and love me.

Image courtesy of Barbara Jackson on Pixabay.

I would learn, as it turned out painfully slowly, that being like everyone else meant hiding who you really are. And that was the most destructive attitude I could have if I wanted to grow as a person. Being yourself is your greatest ally in personal growth and improving your life.

When you are yourself, you expose who you genuinely are to the world. Your strengths and your flaws are equally exposed. We grow by interacting with one another in various forms of relationship. These relationships teach us what is desirable, and what is not, in our character. If we do not allow ourselves the vulnerability of displaying our authentic self, then we cannot experience the learning power released through that authenticity.

No one is perfect. No one has all the answers. But through the synergy of our connections with others, we learn to improve and become a better version of ourselves. Our best ally in accomplishing this is being who we truly are. By being ourselves.

Posted in Advice, Navigating Life, Philosophy | Tagged Authenticity, being yourself, genuineness, personal growth, self-actualization | Leave a comment

People of the Heart – The Yin and Yang of Human Behavior

Posted on August 22, 2022 by Monica

I’ve spent a lifetime studying human nature, person-to-person behavior, the good and the bad. I am not a psychological professional – only an interested bystander. But after 40-some years of observation and contemplation, I’ve decided that human conduct boils down to two different sides of the same coin — Heartbreakers and the Heartbroken.

Each one of our interactions with another can be classified as positive or negative. Damaging or uplifting. Cruel or compassionate. All reminiscent of the philosophy of Yin and Yang.

The Yin and Yang, from ancient Chinese philosophy, represents opposites. But the underlying theme of the philosophy expresses the interconnectedness of our world. We would not have one without the other. Without shadow, there is no light. Without negative, there is no positive. Without cold, there is no hot. Etc.

It is a simple philosophy that is relevant today. It is in the interplay between people at work, people at play, people at any activity they engage it. We are either heartbreakers or we are the heartbroken. We are the instigators of pain or we are the purveyors of positive reinforcement.

While it is easy to label one good and one bad, we might step back and take a more holistic approach. One that brings about growth. Caveat: In no way does this excuse the evil-doer from purposeful and extreme atrocity.

The Role of the Heartbroken

When someone hurts us, it can be intentional, unintentional, or simply a misunderstanding. There is an opportunity for growth in all of these situations. If it is intentional, you may need to look at the type of people you attract and allow into your inner circle. There are many reasons why we might attract the “wrong crowd.” Repeated incidents of hurtful people in your life may signal self-esteem issues or other personal attitudes in which you are harming yourself. Finding this out can signal a need to see a qualified therapist as the most efficient way to deal with these kinds of issues.

If it is unintentional, you have an obligation to talk to the offender. There may be circumstances in their lives that caused them to lash out. You may be the target, but not the cause of the problem.

A misunderstanding is the best situation. You must talk to the person who hurt you and share your feeling of hurt, betrayal, etc. These offenders need to learn how their inadvertent behavior caused pain. They are usually the ones who will be the first to apologize and make it right.

The Role of Heartbreaker

Image courtesy of OpenClipart-Vectors on Pixabay.

If the shoe Is on the other foot, and you are the person causing pain, there is opportunity here too. Sometimes it is hard to see our own failings and shortcomings. They often play out in unintended ways and toward innocent targets. Judgementalism, self-centeredness, arrogance, dishonesty, jealousy, sarcasm, are just a few of the undesirable characteristics we may find within ourselves. If you truly are on a path of personal growth, negative-behavior traits are parts of ourselves we need to work on. Hopefully, you have an aware target who has the courage to confront you in a loving and compassionate manner.

Whether the heartbroken or the heartbreaker, there is opportunity for growth on both sides of the coin. Through the yin and yang of human behavior we become more heart-centered. In this state, our best selves arise. Embrace both, with genuine discernment and forgiveness, to see clearly the higher purpose of pain in human behavior.

Posted in Advice, Navigating Life, Opinion, Philosophy | Tagged emotional pain, heart, human behavior, Interconnectedness, personal growth, radical forgiveness, self-actualization, Yin and Yang | Leave a comment

Anger Energy is Real – How Will You Use It?

Posted on August 8, 2022 by Monica

Several years ago, I applied for and got a contract writing position with a temp agency. I had answered an online ad, been given the information, and went on the interview. It was an exciting opportunity with the possibility that the contract would eventually turn into full-time employment. The agency called me shortly after the interview and told me that the company wanted to hire me. All I had to do was to sign their contract, return it, and begin work at the client company.

Image courtesy of Peggy_Marco on Pixabay.

When I had initially talked to the representative of the agency, I was given the details of their expectations and what they would provide in return. When I got the contract and read it, I discovered that there were discrepancies in what I was promised and what the contract laid out. From my perspective, it was duplicitous, unfair, and outrageous. Not only had I been completely misled, but the tenets I would be expected to conform to were out-of-line with standard business practices.

After talking to several different representatives of the company, I came to believe that it was not just one employee putting forward this doctrine, but the entire company. I was angry.

I sat down and drafted a reply to go with my rejection of their offer. When I had finalized it, I handed it to my husband to read. His reply after reading it: “Wow, you really know how to tell someone to ‘go f**k themselves’ without saying those exact words.”

I like to think I am a good writer. I work at it daily, and have for decades. But what made my rejection letter so powerful was the energy behind the anger I felt at the contemptuous, misogynistic, and exploitative way I was being treated. The anger fueled a mighty power in me (one that we all have) to stand up for myself and what I felt was right.

This energy (power) sits dormant in us most of the time. It comes out when anger ignites it. But the way it expresses itself depends upon the choices of its origin. We can become destructive to ourselves and others, lash out in inappropriate ways, or avow/take revenge. These reactions quell the power, but they only serve to hurt yourself and others.

There is another option. We can also saddle that anger and steer it into more positive directions. My rejection letter set forth my indignation while maintaining a respect for the other parties (deserved or not). I stated my case in strong, reinforced language without resorting to the tactics of which I disagreed with.

This power can be used to defend yourself, motivate, set boundaries, stimulate action, create great works of art, and many other positive ends. The choice is yours. Do you want to release anger in a seething fury, or do you want to direct this very potent energetic force toward creating good in your life?

If you don’t know where to start, here is a great article I found that can help you out.

The forceful energy that is anger can be used for good or for unscrupulous means. You must choose one or other because denying it doesn’t exist does not work. What choice will you make?

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Philosophy | Tagged anger, Doing Right, Emotion regulation, intention, motivation, opinion, personal growth, positive energy, self-actualization | Leave a comment

The Subtle Power of Sending Love to Yourself and Others

Posted on July 25, 2022 by Monica

Many years ago, I discovered the Hawaiian prayer of Ho’oponopono. It is the practice of getting into a meditative state and repeating the mantra:

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

As I became comfortable with it and practiced it, something unusual happened. I experienced a feeling that I had never felt before. During the prayer, my muscles would become wholly relaxed, and my mind became – I can only explain it as – blank. The cares and concerns of my conscious state left behind. It was not just that. I began to feel a movement, like subtle energy flowing like a river around inside my body.

From this happening, I decided to try something on my own. When a person came to mind, someone in whom I was having a conflict or who I knew was struggling with a personal issue, I would skip the prayer portion of Ho’oponopono and simply sit with the intention of sending that person love. I experienced much the same feeling within myself described above, but the “energy flow” changed. Instead of just flowing around inside of me, it felt like it swirled within me, then gently surged away from me.

Now, I have no evidence that this practice caused any reaction other than in my own body, or that it helped anyone in any way, but I am optimistic that it makes a positive difference.

There is an eastern school of thought that believes that energy or “Qi” flows through our bodies. Western medicine has begun to adopt some of its healing practices (like acupuncture and Tai Chi) without fully accepting it’s philosophy. I am of the opinion that if it doesn’t hurt you, and there is anecdotal evidence or even the possibility it might be beneficial, why not?

There are many unexplained phenomena that has an overwhelming number of examples that are hard to deny. So, it may be that your “energy” is a factor in helping someone overcome a problem or feel the presence of love, whether they know where it came from or not. Or that may all be nothing but hooey.

What I do know is that it makes me feel better. I feel empowered. Like I am helping someone in an extraordinary way. I immerse myself in the satisfaction of loving someone who may not feel the same way about me. With so much hate and revenge in the world, I indulge myself in the possibility that I can counteract it in some small way. This in itself makes it worth the effort.

You also can use the intention of love, making its target yourself. If you intend that love back toward yourself, you will know its power first-hand. Say you need a confidence booster before a big event, or you simply struggle with self-esteem, it can be a powerful meditation to use alongside therapy and other tools for building self-confidence.

Either way, the power is there. Love, with all its subtleties, is the most powerful of emotions. Harnessing that power is a positive growth practice. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?

Posted in Advice, Emotions, Opinion, Philosophy | Tagged Doing Right, energy, forgiveness, ho’oponopono, intention, kindness, love, personal growth, prayer, self-actualization, words | Leave a comment