Knowing When to Stop “Efforting” – Three Circumstances

Posted on February 21, 2022 by Monica

Let’s start by defining the difference between trying and efforting. I see a difference. Trying is making a concerted attempt to accomplish an ideal goal. Something noble in its purpose, and within our means to attain. It is a desirable trait. We learn when we attempt new things. Efforting, on the other hand, is when you exert vast amounts of energy and resources on a project, task, or goal in the hope of accomplishing something not within your ability or responsibility to do.

Efforting tasks may not always be easy to spot. But there are some telltale signs. It feels like you are attempting to swim up a waterfall. You may make small, imperceptible inroads, but in the end, it is an impossible task. It simply is not meant to be. Here are a few examples that explain why they are not in your best interests to follow.

When Your Efforts Involve Changing Another Person’s Behavior

You have no right to spend your energy and resources on changing another adult’s behavior. Your responsibility is your own behavior; their behavior is their own responsibility. Laws exist to encourage socially acceptable behavior and these are proper. But in the end, someone else’s choices must remain their own. If you are attempting to change the behavior of someone close to you because it is so disagreeable that it causes you pain, your only choice is to leave that situation.

Image courtesy of The Pixelman on Pixabay.

Children are the exception here. As a parent, it is your responsibility to raise your children to the best of your ability so that they will want to emulate your values and become respected members of society. Once they reach adulthood, their choices are their own.

When Your Efforts Don’t Align with Your Higher Good

This one is a little trickier to identify. If you have developed a strong spiritual connection, it will be more apparent; but may still be difficult to see. One key feature of an effort not aligned with your higher good is when the task is more draining than exhilarating. You don’t have to give up on it immediately, but it’s important to take a deeper look at it. Listen to your inner voice. One way I like to resolve an issue I’m not sure about is to enter a hypnogogic (between wakefulness and sleep) or hypnopompic (between sleep and wakefulness) state and ask myself to reveal the answer.

When Your Motivation Involves Greed or Power

We are all vulnerable to egoistic motivations. No matter how pure you feel your motivation is, it can be corrupted. Self-centered greed and lust for power don’t align with the higher good. If you feel that something is “off” in your efforts, this may be a reason. Stop, and reexamine your incentives. Take a good look at your reasons. Do they align with what is good for everyone involved?

When you reach a point when you feel weighed down by your attempts to achieve a goal, take a moment to look at why you are failing. It may be that you need to change directions. These times can be the most powerful self-teaching moments.

Copyright 2022, Monica Nelson

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To Be Happy, Set the Right Priorities – 4 Principles

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Monica

I believe in the aim of practicing love as a lifework. We are called to love one another. Love is our guiding light. Unfortunately, in the world we live in, that pursuit can be more difficult than it sounds. More than ever, we find ourselves faced with energy vampires at every turn. These are the takers in our lives that come at us with their self-centered demands. Their priorities are all consuming, self-focused, and lacking in respect and love for anyone other than themselves. They sap our energy, leaving little left for authentic love.

This type of environment muddies the pursuit of love for the entire community. Manipulation and exploitation rule. These energy vampires take advantage, extracting the lifeblood out of well-meaning people who are givers at heart.

If you are in that category of people who are more give than take, to stay safe you may need a reframing of your priorities. The first responsibility in love is to love yourself. That means protecting yourself from those who would abuse your good intention.  Here are four principles to help you focus on the pursuit of authentic love.

Image courtesy of Geralt on Pixabay.

Believe that You are Deserving

The first rule of love is to love yourself first. In this way, we all have one person who is always looking out for our interests. This principle may seem counter-intuitive. But you can’t love others until you have established a solid love for yourself. When we have empathy for others, and that empathy is exploited, we often begin to feel that we are undeserving. But you are just as deserving of empathy as are the people you care for.

Believe in your worth.

Advocate for Yourself

As you feel more deserving, you will find that you will need to stand up to the manipulators and others who would take advantage of you. Be clear to yourself where your goals are, what you are willing to give on, what you are not willing to give on. If someone is trying to push you outside your core values, stand up to them. If another person is trying to get you to do something that is beyond your capabilities or not within your priorities for yourself, you must put your foot down.

That leads us to the next principle.

Learn to Say “No” When Appropriate

Too often in personal relationships, or work environments, you will be asked to give more than you feel is appropriate. If you believe in your worth, and you are comfortable advocating for yourself, you will have an intuitive sense of whether or not you should say “yes” to the request. When that still, small voice tells you that you should say “no,” listen. It is important to be true to yourself. You may have to fight the guilt you feel for not saying “yes” to something you may think is an obligation. Responsible people like to be reliable. But as a responsible person, you may have a past history of giving more than is appropriate in order to fill that responsibility. Overly responsible is just as destructive as being irresponsible.

You must keep a consistent balance between doing for others and doing for yourself.

Gain a Healthy Sense of Purpose

When you define and maintain a purpose for living, setting the right priorities becomes easier to do. Happiness follows. Keeping yourself on the right track by reminding yourself of your worth, advocating for your needs and rights, and providing your life with a good balance by saying “no” when it is necessary, keeps you on track with your purpose.

A purposeful life and the right priorities are keys to happiness. These principles help you set and maintain priorities that contribute to a life in balance with your purpose.

Copyright 2022, Monica Nelson

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Believing in the Impossible – A Necessity for Personal Growth

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Monica

Here’s a quick quiz for you. Which area has more? A) Stars in the Milky Way, the galaxy in which the earth resides; or B) trees on earth? You’ve at least once in your life gazed upon the expanse that is our galaxy. On some clear, lighted night you’ve stared at the stars and been overwhelmed by the seemingly endless number of stars that fill our galaxy. And I would venture to guess that you’ve also become aware of how humans are cutting down trees at an alarming rate.

Now that you’ve had a chance to answer that question, let me tell you what the truth is. By the best method of counting that we have at this time, there are 100 to 400 billion stars in the Milky Way, and 3.04 trillion trees on earth. If you guessed A) above, you would be wrong.

I am in no way diminishing the life of a tree. Even one tree is well worth saving. But before looking into it further, I would’ve been strongly on the side of A). According to Snopes, the fact-checking site, this is true. There are more trees on earth than there are stars in the Milky Way.

Image courtesy of Pexels on Pixabay.

So, why is this important?

The world is full of assumptions. Well meaning theories that seem right, but are far from it. We start our lives predisposed to the beliefs and opinions of our parents, teachers, and other influential people in our lives. As we grow, we come in contact with other people and their beliefs and opinions, many of whom are so flamboyantly persuasive that we instantly follow.

But we are unique. We are not meant to be solely reflections of others. This diminishes our equality with others. If we are truly equal, and I believe that we are, we need to examine the predisposed thoughts we have. We need to question whether the beliefs we hold are truly our own. And we need to be open to the impossible being possible.

I recently watched a debate among sportscasters on the use of robots as umpires in the professional ranks of baseball. One sportscaster was adamant. His stance was that umpires and the drama that went with them were all part of the game. And that replacing that person with a robot (which made far more accurate calls than the human) would detrimentally change the game. Because that’s the way it has always been, was his argument.

I believe that it would change the game, but that’s what happens. Things change.

If things never changed, we’d still live in caves, grunt at one another rather than communicate with words, and we’d believe that the world was flat. We’d have a quality of life that was far less than we have now. Our society would not have progressed as it has. There would be no progression at all.

We can only progress both culturally and personally if we are open to the idea that just maybe something that seems impossible really is possible. This doesn’t mean that you have to buy every absurd belief that you are presented with. But it does mean that you are willing to examine the ones that speak to you, and be willing to change your beliefs if that examination leads you to a different conclusion.

What impossibility are you going to be brave enough to honestly examine today?

Copyright 2022, Monica Nelson

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The Only Resolution You Need for This Year and Beyond

Posted on January 3, 2022 by Monica

Happy New Year!

It’s once again the start of a new year and we are all making resolutions that we believe we need to make in order to be a better person in the upcoming new year. We tend to make plenty of resolutions as the new year approaches. But those resolutions, starting out strong and determined, rarely seem to make it past the first week of practice. Why is it that an intention, with strong motivation, fizzles so quickly? If this happens to you, maybe it’s time to try a new approach.

Before I lay out this new approach, let’s look at the difference between the words “resolution” and “goal.” As defined on merriam-webster.com, resolution is “the act or process of resolving.” “Resolving” is defined as “to find an answer or solution to something.” Resolution then is the process you must go through to find a solution. Goal is defined as “something that you are trying to do or achieve.” There is a difference.

Given these definitions, goals are what you use to achieve your resolution. The problem with our inability to stick to our resolutions lies in how we are looking at them. Too many times we set our “resolution” as a goal. For instance, regarding health (change our diet, exercise more, become more mindful), relationship (improve existing relationships, start new healthy relationships), and personal (start a new hobby, join a club, become well-read), etc.

Image courtesy of Lumpi on Pixabay.

I am looking at resolutions differently this year. I will make one resolution with the goals under it that I wish to achieve. That resolution is to love myself. If I love myself, then I will find the motivation to do whatever it takes to fall in line with that maxim. As I work every day toward improving my mindset to always keep my best interests foremost, I will start treating myself with kindness and forgiveness, accepting my faults, and realizing that I am fallible. As I do, I will look at my goals in a whole different light.

In this process, goals do not become the ultimate resolution. They come about because I am more loving of myself. I can reset a goal when I need to. Adjust it. Restart it. Exchange it for something completely different if I choose. I will change whatever goals I need to change in order to support my most important aim — that of loving myself.

Goals take a position subordinate to my ultimate resolution. Important, yes, but not a do-or-die principle that I am bound to give up on when they don’t work out. And in the end, what’s most important is giving ourselves the love that we so readily supply to others, but rarely mete out to ourselves.

If this resonates with you, try this approach. You don’t have to wait until the last minute of another year. Start now. Whenever and however you are this moment. You owe it to yourself.

Copyright 2022, Monica Nelson

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Love is More Important Than Ever

Posted on December 13, 2021 by Monica

The holidays are a catalyst for one of the greatest forces for good we have. In the midst of the holiday season, even in the throes of social divisiveness and a continuing Covid pandemic, love gains a foothold. Through all the stress and busyness, love finds a way to sift into our lives and help us find a little peace.

What’s really great about love is that the more you give, the more you get. Love has a multiplier effect that reflects back on the giver.

If you are one of those “grinch” sort of people who has a hard time getting enough motivation to step out of your Scrooge-mentality, read on.

Love Feels Good

When you love others, when you give of yourself, there is a joy that radiates from within that you cannot produce through any other means. When we love one another, we multiple the happiness. The person you give love feels joyous at being loved while at the same time you feel the joy of giving. It is a fact that being kind and loving boosts serotonin and releases endorphins within you.

Think back to the last time you watched someone open a present that you gave them. As you watched the smiles and delight on their face, how did you feel? Did you notice that burst of jubilance within your body?

Photo courtesy of Trevoykelly Photography via Pixabay.

Love is Engaging

Love fosters better relationships. Add love to a stale relationship, it will improve. Infuse love into a new relationship, it will deepen. I am not just talking about romantic love here. It’s easy to give your love in a romantic relationship because the attraction chemicals in your brain drive the desire to give of yourself. Loving a stranger or an enemy may seem counterintuitive, but try it and watch the transformation happen.

Love is Contagious

The more you give love, the more love you spread. As it spreads, it has an exponential effect in growth. As you plant the seed, it grows. Be the instigator of the greatest power on earth. Pass it on.

Being so prolific, it will eventually get back to you. It may not return to you with one iteration. It may not return to you with two iterations. Or 7 or 8, or 100. But it will return to you.

Love is a practice. You start with a feeling, but the actual practice of love is an action. The axiom “love is a verb” is a great truth. What can you do this year to start exercising your love muscles? What steps can you take to make the practice of love a priority in your life?

It is my wish that you find and promote your loving nature. Whatever holiday you celebrate, may it be joyful and may you know the happiness of love throughout the year.

Copyright 2021, Monica Nelson

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The Power Behind Your Goals – Three Mighty Forces

Posted on December 6, 2021 by Monica

If you are a goal-setter (and if you are reading this, you probably are), you know the best practices in how to set goals – write them down, set smaller, more reachable goals, etc. Those are important elements for defining your desires and ideals. But you may still find yourself struggling toward your objectives with minimal success. And you may wonder why the routine isn’t working for you.

What’s lacking goes beyond a mere haphazard decision to gain an objective. You may be missing out on the emotional energy that is needed to attain those goals. We fail to accomplish anything that has no impassioned push behind it.

The following three essentials are the commanding ingredients that ensure your success. Without them, you are simply treading water.

Belief

Your first hurdle toward gaining effective belief is self-love. You can have unlimited belief in your goal, but if you don’t believe that you deserve what you desire, it will never happen. Subconscious forces in your mind will block your ambitions before they can start.

Self-love means talking to yourself with kindness and love. Forgiving your faults. Realizing you are a work in progress. It means being true to yourself. You must trust your inner voice. Take care of your body and mind. Prioritize you. It is a common misbelief that if you love yourself, there is no room for anyone else. Not true. When you take care of you first, you create the space to love unconditionally.

Belief also requires that you have an open mind to what can be. Down through history are plenty of examples of inventors who brought to life ideas, that to that point, were deemed impossible. When you expand your thinking to allow for what seems insurmountable, you open up to miracles.

As you strengthen these traits in yourself, belief in what you can achieve grows on its own.

Intention

Background image courtesy of Saint-D on Pixabay

Intention is a state of mind that goes beyond a simple decision. It requires focus, concentrated and pinpoint. Filtering out the fluff from your mind. Discarding thought that is counterproductive to your focus. Once you have done that, you can place all your energy behind it. Directing that energy in its most efficient way to the project at hand.

Practice awareness. Reign in your mindfulness. Drain away what is inconsequential. This helps free your mind to hone in to your goal with acute intention.

Dedicated Action

Background image courtesy of Bumiputra on Pixabay

Combining the first two mindsets with a follow-up action plan carried out with dedication to your purpose rounds out your formula for success. Belief and intention alone can’t accomplish your desires without action on your part.

Work on your goals daily with the determination that comes from a belief emanating from your love and dreams, focused concentration, and committed activity.

Enjoy the process. Rest in its inevitability. Remember – life is what happens while you are working toward your goals.

Copyright 2021, Monica Nelson

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To Be or Not to Be Humble – Four Advantages

Posted on November 22, 2021 by Monica

The great scientist, Albert Einstein, was a humble man. Soon after he moved to America, he was asked to speak to a group of mathematicians at Princeton on tensor analysis as it was linked to his relativity theory. A small notice was posted where mathematical students could see the invitation. On the day he was to address this small group, hordes of people descended on Princeton to listen to him speak. Word of mouth had spread the news that this great man was to speak. Upon seeing the crowds, Einstein said, “I never realized that in America there was so much interest in tensor analysis.”

Humility (being humble) is probably one of the most important human traits that you can have. Humility comes from a place of knowing exactly who you are and what you are capable of. Being confident in your own abilities while being cognizant of those areas of your life that are flawed. And owning up to those flaws. Being authentic in how you present yourself at all times.

True humility is a rare trait, but it has its advantages. Image courtesy of WikiImages on Pixabay.

The world encourages all of us to act confident (to the point of arrogance) in every situation. It rewards those who appear to be all-knowing and perfect in everything they do.  Yet, when it comes down to it, we secretly feel uncomfortable around those who act this way. Because no one is perfect. And we all know it, but don’t want to admit to our faults.

The people we feel most comfortable with are the ones who are confident in their strong points and straight forward about their shortcomings. Making humility a desirable trait. As additional incentive, here are four more benefits for developing your humility.

Develops Vulnerability

When you realize that you don’t know something and ask for help, or share a weakness that you possess, you expose yourself to the possibility that someone may think less of us. Or that is what we think. But this type of vulnerability has the power to strengthen our relationships. As we allow ourselves to expose those parts of us that we see as flaws, we unknowingly endear those people with whom we share.

Strengthens Your Empathy

Empathy starts with a genuine interest in the wellbeing of others. In order to show people that you are truly interested in their welfare, you must be willing to be vulnerable within their presence. Sharing the parts of yourself that need work creates an atmosphere of authenticity. Allowing others to relax and feel more willing to open up and drop their defenses.

Demonstrates Your Tolerance

Humility and tolerance are both vital virtues that are linked together by common origin. Tolerance can only exist when we first practice humility. The more you focus on your own humility, the more likely you will be tolerant of those who are different. In a world that needs tolerant role models, increasing both of these virtues brings much needed attention to qualities that can heal our differences.

Increases Your Benevolence

In its simplest definition, being benevolent means doing good to others. As your humility and tolerance increase, so does your benevolence. You become more charitable and kinder. 

All of these advantages work toward being a better person. Being humble may appear to be a less desirable trait, but working toward greater humility creates so many pluses in your life, it is worth making a daily practice of increasing it.

Copyright 2021, Monica Nelson

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Why We Need Wonder in Our Lives and How to Make it Happen

Posted on November 15, 2021 by Monica

Peter was a sensitive man nearly 70, who became so disconnected from his sense of wonder and mystery that his outlook on life suffered. A pervasive sadness took over with such force that two counselors diagnosed him as “clinically depressed.” Sensitive or not, this man’s case points out an important aspect of our lives, one that we let get sidelined all too often.

There are so many interests competing for our time. Career, family, civic duties, exercise and other self-care needs. And don’t forget all that binge watching that the pandemic has convinced us is a necessity. Aside from the binge watching, we have many areas of our life that require daily attention. So why is it absolutely necessary to make the time to maintain that same sense of mystery and wonder in our own lives?

Here are just a few of the benefits we can expect from maintaining a sense of wonder:

We Need Wonder
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
  • Grants significance to our lives;
  • Gives us respect for our purpose; and,
  • Opens up our horizons to endless possibilities.

As children we come into the world full of wonder and exploration. As we grow into the responsibilities of adulthood, that wonder can disappear. Don’t fret, it hasn’t really disappeared. It has only gotten buried. If you want to recover it, here are a few tips to get it back on track.

Prioritize

Make time to explore the mysteries of life. You might start by cutting some of those X number of hours you spend binge watching your favorite entertainment.

Learn to Quiet Your Mind

Nothing can enter a cluttered mind. Find a quiet spot and enjoy the peace. Meditate or do progressive muscle relaxation. Take an essential-oil-infused bath. Write in a journal or diary. Take a nature walk. Do deep breathing. Play with a pet. These are only a few ways to clear the clutter. Once your mind is at peace, you can begin exploring mysteries.

Create a Feeling Within Yourself Where Wonder Can Prosper

Start by reclaiming your curiosity. Look around you. What grabs your interest? Is there a question that has baffled you for a long time? See everything around with new eyes. As if you had a blank mind. Child-like wonder means letting go of preconceived ideas and a set-in-stone attitude.

Develop your Curiosity

Bring to mind questions that remain unanswered. What do you think is the cause or reason or solution? Read about space, the depths of the ocean, the parts of the human mind that remain a mystery. Ask questions. Hypothesize. Dig deeper.

Joy is found in the wonder that we create. Our minds crave the curiosity, seek out imagination. It is a part of our heritage as a thinking, inquisitive species. Your heart and soul will thank you.

Copyright 2021, Monica Nelson

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Changing Minds Begins with Understanding – An Empathetic Approach

Posted on November 8, 2021 by Monica

We find ourselves in an explosive time. People not simply putting forth their own opinions, but doing so with a violent force. Groups of like-minded people banding together to insist that everyone get on board with their opinions. And if someone actually opposes them, that those who differ are in some way an enemy. That their opposition are taking their freedoms and rights away.

When did we devolve into this “me-centered – everything-has-to-be-exactly-as-I-want-it” society? Like the pot of boiling water, it looks like we are about to blow the lid off our interactions with one another.

What is interesting about this state we find ourselves in is that while on the surface it looks like we are slowly disintegrating and about to implode, these are the times when we can grow the most. Advance our understanding of one another’s positions and move into a better state for everyone. The biggest challenges produce the right conditions to grow the most.

But to do that, we must build a structure in which we can really and truly understand our very different positions. One that will expose assumptions made by each side, and lead to finding common ground. Only then can we move forward. To build a climate where that can happen, we have to step back and change our approach.

Step One: Create a Climate of Tolerance

Express an earnest and sincere attitude to hear, without judgment, the opposing viewpoint. To convey that intent, use a kind tone of voice and inoffensive language to make your request to hear their side. A warm attitude and open disposition will disarm initial doubt as to your intent.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Step Two: Ask Questions

Prepare questions to ask. These questions should give you insight into:

  • Their background and history;
  • Their beliefs, motivations, and other reasons for their position; and,
  • Their exact stance on the subject.

Ask pointed questions. Stifle the urge to say anything about your beliefs or position at this point. This is their time to talk. It is their moment in the sun. People want to be heard, and if you give them that to start with you will gain more trust and openness from them in addition to finding out exactly where they stand.

Step Three: Listen – Really Listen

Hear what they are saying in their answers. Push any thoughts about your own view aside. You are not here to argue, you are here to hear what is on their heart. If necessary, use reflective listening to make sure you get a clear grasp of what they are saying.

Step Four: Employ Empathy

Put yourself in their skin. Knowing what you do of their mindset (that you learned in step one), equate what you are hearing with who they are. Try to understand why. Drop your boundaries enough to truly feel their viewpoint within yourself.

Step Five: Find the Common Ground

Now that you have full understanding, look for common goals and beliefs. These are the cornerstones you can use to work toward. If you have the same ultimate destination, all you need to do is find the best path forward.

Steph Six: Relate Your Needs and Desires to That Common Ground

As you work toward that common destination, you can explain how your needs and desires align with their own, making the goal a shared one to work toward.

Step Seven: Find a Workable Solution for Everyone

Hopefully at this point in your discussion, you are both on the same path. Working together to benefit everyone involved. If not, look at any assumptions that are still in play and go back to the beginning.

To unmask the assumptions that stand in the way of understanding, it is necessary to use a different approach. One that softens hostility and opens the door to real change. It is not always easy to follow the above script, but if true understanding is what you are looking for, this offers a workable way to get both sides the answers they seek.

Copyright 2021, Monica Nelson

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Unmasking Assumptions as a Key to Change

Posted on October 25, 2021 by Monica

About 20 years ago, I was making changes focused on my health. Small changes I was making to my exercise/mindset routine and diet were included. One of those specific changes was beginning a practice of yoga every day. Another focused on a dietary change removing excess sugars from my menu, including yogurts with added fruit.

One day, my young son who was a toddler at the time, came up to me as I was preparing to start my daily set of yoga poses. “I want to do plain yogurt too,” he said pointing to my mat. I smiled at this confusion in his young mind. He made an assumption that the two were one.

Words form the communication that we use to relate to one another. It is how we understand where another person is coming from, what they believe. This exchange of information tells us how someone else feels about a topic. Yet we often miss the mark, others misinterpreting our meaning, as we misinterpret theirs.

This type of blunder does not only happen in young children. It happens on a regular basis in adults, on both the delivery and reception sides of the equation. Too often we fail to truly understand one another, making assumptions that lead to further lack of clarity. We end up fighting with one another without understanding what the other side really means.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

For example, I am a strong believer in the use of mask mandates for public safety, but I really want to grasp why so many -people oppose it. I have a hard time getting the sentiment put forth by a group of people who say their reason for resisting the mandates is “an individual’s right to personal choice.” This same group’s consensus for another issue – abortion, is anti-choice. Wouldn’t it follow that if you are in favor of personal choice, it would apply to both issues? What seems apparent on the surface does not jibe with the viewpoint on the other issue. I suspect there is some other meaning behind the words “personal choice” we are missing in the message coming from this group. Making it challenging to fully understand their viewpoint.

We interpret another’s meaning through the lens of our own beliefs and impressions. Truly understanding another’s viewpoint can only happen if we dive deep into that person’s motivations, previously determined views, and past histories. All determiners of where they are at this moment in their lives. If we don’t have this information, we cannot get a clear picture of their position.

In the next post, we’ll look at ways to dig down into true meaning for more accurate understanding. In the meantime, you may want to read Four Reasons Why You Should Allow Your Opponent to Talk First in an Argument and How to Communicate with Integrity – 7 Points to Prevail.

I look forward to seeing you in the next segment.

Copyright 2021, Monica Nelson

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